You know that moment in a fight with your partner when you hear yourself say something so ridiculous, so deeply irrational, that even as it’s coming out of your mouth, you think, What the actual hell?
Maybe it’s a dramatic “You NEVER listen to me!” when, in reality, they just actively listened to you talk about your weirdly detailed dream for 15 whole minutes. Or a “Why do you HATE me?” when they simply forgot to buy oat milk.
What’s happening here? Are you just emotionally unhinged? Is your partner actually the worst? (Answer: probably not.)
Welcome to Parts Work, where we recognize that inside all of us live different parts—some wise, some wounded, some that just really prefer oat milk. And when couples argue, it’s often not two rational adults in conflict; it’s their inner parts going to battle.
Meet the Cast of Characters in Your Relationship
Parts Work says that we’re all made up of different internal voices or “parts” that have developed over time to help us survive life’s chaos. Some parts protect us, some carry deep wounds, and some can be “spicier” than others.
Here’s who might be showing up in your arguments:
The Wounded Inner Child a.k.a The Exile
That part of you that felt invisible when your parents dismissed your feelings in third grade? Yeah, they might be the one screaming “YOU NEVER LISTEN!” at your partner right now. This is the deep, vulnerable pain we don’t want to feel. Often, arguments activate this part without us realizing it—like when your partner being 10 minutes late feels exactly like that time your best friend ditched you in middle school.
The Manager
This part keeps everything in control, makes the to-do lists, and ensures you look like a functioning adult. It gets real testy when your partner’s more “let’s wing it” parts threaten the carefully curated life plan. It can employ tactics such as manipulation, attempting to control your partner's behavior, or chronic people-pleasing. Anything to avoid situations that can trigger your exiles to flood your system with intense emotions.
The Firefighter
This part jumps in to distract or soothe when things feel overwhelming—hello, defensive sarcasm, stonewalling, or suddenly needing to go for a drive in the middle of a fight.
How Your Parts and Your Partner’s Parts Collide
Ever feel like you and your partner keep having the same fight over and over? That’s probably because your parts are triggering each other in a well-rehearsed emotional dance.
Here are some common ways couples’ parts interact—and how understanding them can help you break the cycle:
Example 1: The Planner vs. The Free Spirit
- Partner A’s Overachieving Manager: “We need a solid plan for the weekend! Spontaneity is stressful!”
- Partner B’s Firefighter: “Why are you always trying to control everything? Let’s just go with the flow!”
- The Clash: Partner A feels like their need for structure is dismissed, while Partner B feels suffocated.
- What’s Really Happening? Partner A’s Manager part is protecting them from chaos they grew up with. Partner B’s Firefighter part is resisting a past experience of feeling controlled.
- How to Shift It: Instead of assuming bad intentions, each partner can acknowledge what’s really at play. “I think a part of me feels unsafe without a plan” hits differently than “Why can’t you just be responsible?”
Example 2: The Wounded Child vs. The Fixer
- Partner A’s Wounded Inner Child: “You never make me feel important. I always come last.”
- Partner B’s Fixer Manager: “That’s not true! I do tons of things for you—what about last week when I [insert list of good deeds]?”
- The Clash: Partner A feels invalidated. Partner B feels unappreciated. Now, both are mad.
- What’s Really Happening? Partner A’s Exiled part (an old wound of feeling ignored) is seeking comfort. Partner B’s Manager part is trying to solve instead of soothe.
- How to Shift It: Instead of defending, Partner B can pause and say, “It sounds like a part of you is feeling really unseen right now. That makes sense.” Magic.
Example 3: The Avoider vs. The Pursuer
- Partner A’s Pursuer Part: “We need to talk about this right now or I’m going to explode.”
- Partner B’s Avoidant Firefighter: [Leaves the room, scrolls phone, pretends everything is fine.]
- The Clash: Partner A feels abandoned. Partner B feels overwhelmed and cornered.
- What’s Really Happening? Partner A’s part is desperate for reassurance and fears being ignored. Partner B’s part is protecting them from conflict they learned to fear long ago.
- How to Shift It: Partner B can say, “I need a break, but I promise we’ll talk in 30 minutes.” Partner A can practice calming their part instead of chasing for an immediate fix.
Why Understanding Your Parts (and Your Partner’s) Changes Everything
Imagine if, instead of just reacting in the heat of an argument, you could pause and think:
"Wait… is this actually me, or is this my deeply insecure 13-year-old self demanding justice?"
When we recognize the parts of us that are triggered, we can step back, communicate differently, and—most importantly—stop expecting our partner to heal all our wounds.
Likewise, when you start seeing your partner’s parts instead of just their behavior, it’s easier to approach them with curiosity instead of criticism. That “you never listen” outburst? Maybe that’s not an attack on you—maybe it’s a cry from a wounded part of them that just needs reassurance.
Examples of How to Use Parts Work in Your Relationship
- Notice When a Part Takes Over.
If your reaction feels BIGGER than the situation calls for, chances are, it’s a part—not your whole, wise self—driving the bus. - Get Curious, Not Judgmental.
Instead of “Ugh, I’m such a mess,” try “Huh, I wonder which part of me just freaked out?” The same goes for your partner. - Speak for Your Parts, Not from Them.
Instead of “You never listen,” try “I think a part of me is feeling really unheard right now.” (Less aggressive, more productive.) - Practice Compassion.
Parts work isn’t about eliminating your triggers; it’s about learning to care for them so they don’t run the show.
The Bottom Line? You’re Not Just Two People—You’re a Whole Committee.
Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Parts Work helps couples move from blaming each other to understanding each other, from reactive fights to healing conversations.
So next time you and your partner get into it, pause. Take a breath. And ask:
"Who’s actually fighting here?"
Because sometimes, it’s not you vs. them—it’s both of your inner 8-year-olds having a meltdown over spilled oat milk. And honestly? That’s a much easier problem to solve.
What do you think? Want to learn more about how Parts Work can transform your relationship? Schedule a session with me. I’d love to help you and all your inner parts find some peace.
The content on this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical treatment. Engaging with this blog, its content, or any associated social media or marketing materials does not establish a therapist-client relationship with Britt Benson or Britt Benson Counseling. If you are experiencing psychological distress or seeking support for mental health concerns, you are strongly encouraged to consult directly with a licensed mental health professional. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified mental health provider regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your well-being. If you are needing urgent help, please call 988 for the mental health and addiction crisis hotline or 911 for emergency services.
